Reading

Just started reading a new book today.  I miss reading and am going to try to make time to do more of it (and other Liz-centric activities: drawing, going to the gym, cook good meals,etc).  I am a big fan of Kerouac and have quite a collection of his books on my shelf.  This one I got for christmas- I had asked for a couple different titles- but my brothers both got me this one.  I guess it was a sign that I really should read it.   Mike returned his copy to the store and gave me a gift card instead.

Reading Kerouac is both depressing and inspiring- when talking to others about why "on the road" is my favorite book- I claim that it "saved my life".  I read it for the first time at a particular low time during my first year at Ithaca College and I read it like it was a drug.  I couldn't put it down and kept going back to it.  I cried, I laughed, I reread passages over and over, I took notes and copied down phrases I liked.... coming out in the end of it with a different view on life and how I wanted to live it.  I wanted to live fast and mad- travel- experience all that is life- wanting to be both as crazy as Dean but also an observant wanderer like Sal.  I wanted to surround myself with these kind of characters and not settle for the ones currently around me.  I was at the time going to film school and tried to fantasize how I could possibly make the novel into a movie.  I still went through some really tough times in the next year and half after- but instead of giving up (in many senses of the word)- I decided to get out of the country and travel and "study abroad" in London.  I had the best experience there and it was one of the best times of my life and was extremely happy.  I think that the effect that that book had on me is what led to that decision to go.  I now pick up and read the book about once a year or so- to keep the flame going.  

Alot of his work is so depressing- such as Big Sur or Visions of Gerard- but mainly because he was always so depressed.  He had discovered "the Void" in himself- and looked to Buddhism (and ofcourse drugs and alchohol) to provide some answers.  He found though that he could rationalize the void but never really accept it.  "That nothin' means nothin' is the saddest thing I know," he said.  Reading these books doesn't bring me down necessarily but I do have to be in the right mood to want to think about the meaning and precariousness of existence.  I imagine it would've been hard to be around him for very long- like as a good friend or girlfriend- to be constantly reminded that "Everything is emptiness"- well where does that leave you?

Considering the title is "Desolation Angels"- the title of part one is "Desolation in Solitude" and part two is "Desolation in the World"- I think I know what I am getting myself in to.  But it's cold and dark outside, I am alone in my bedroom with a warm cider/rum drink, and it seems like there is no better time than now to read.